


Aftermath

by starlightfury



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightfury/pseuds/starlightfury
Summary: Two words: Elorcan. Angst.





	Aftermath

The first night, Elide didn’t sleep. Instead, she lay awake, staring at the ceiling, unwilling to close her eyes because when she did she could see him. His brilliant smile, the curve of his nose, the look in his eyes when she caught him watching her. His absence left a hollow ache in her chest, her eyes burning with tears that wouldn’t fall. She’d cried herself dry only a few hours before. There was nothing left, nothing she could do except lie there, on her back, staring, aching, wishing.

The first full day was agony. The sun rose, slow and bright, casting the same orange glow it always did, only it was thrown over empty bed rather than his beautiful face. For the sun, nothing had changed.

But for her, everything had.

She couldn’t bring herself to eat. The memory of vomiting her guts up when she got the call was too fresh in her mind. She stayed in bed, too empty to do anything. She never wanted to move again.

* * *

 

The second day was much the same. A sleepless, torturous night, ending in a dawn that was too bright and hopeful and gave way to a day of warm sunshine that was the unbearable opposite of the cold darkness that was consuming Elide. He was all she could think of, years of happy memories now intertwined with agony.

_Lorcan._

His name was a whisper in her mind. She’d been lying there staring at the blank white ceiling for so long that she didn’t need to close her eyes to see him. The image of him wouldn’t go away, though part of her wished it would. She only wanted to see him if he was actually there, touching her, talking to her.

But he never would be again.

* * *

 

The third morning, Elide forced herself to get up and prepare herself a bowl of cereal. She plopped down at the table and choked down a small spoonful, instantly regretting it when she looked up and saw Lorcan’s jacket hanging by the door. Nauseous, she closed her eyes and buried her head in her arms on the table. Before she realized it, she was crying. Her body shook with violent sobs, a release of the pent-up misery of the last two days.

God, she missed him. She wouldn’t ever be able to escape it. Elide didn’t think she could keep living like this. He had been the only future she’s seen for herself. After he’d come into her life she’d never imagined anything different, but here she was.

She stayed that way for a long time. When she finally lifted her head, she found that her cereal was past the point of soggy. Her insides churned, and she dumped it in the sink. With a heavy sigh, she curled up on the couch under a blanket and switched on the TV. A nature documentary was playing. Too emotionally exhausted to find something else to watch, she left it on. She didn’t get up again until it had gotten dark. She nibbled on some crackers and returned to bed for another desolate night.

* * *

 

_Elide stirred at the soft kiss pressed to her shoulder. A pair of strong arms pulled her against a solid chest, warm breath tickling her cheek._

_"Lorcan,” she murmured sleepily. He kissed her ear in response, slipping his hand under her t-shirt to graze her stomach. She sighed contentedly as his lips moved to her neck. His fingertips wandered to the waistband of her shorts, teasing. She tipped her head back to allow him better access, more awake now, though she still hadn’t opened her eyes._

_His hand was in her shorts now. She gasped when he reached the sensitive spot between her legs, any lingering trace of sleep gone. “Lorcan,” she said again, sharper this time._

_“Elide.” His lips were hot against her skin. “My love.”_

She opened her eyes. Sunlight peeked in through the window. She must have fallen asleep. She rolled over. Lorcan’s side of the bed was empty. Though she knew it would be, the realization was a stab to the heart. Part of her still held out hope that one morning, she would roll over and he would be there.

* * *

 

On the fifth day, Elide ate a real meal. She made herself some soup around midafternoon. It was nothing fancy, just store-bought and from a can, but it was something. She didn’t have much appetite, but a niggling voice in her head kept saying _he would hate to see you like this_ , and while her response was to bitterly think _he’ll never see me at all_ , she knew she had to eat.  She sat down at her usual spot at the table and had a bowl, and when she was done, she had another. She was surprised to find she was so hungry, but she had barely eaten anything the past couple of days.

Progress. She was making progress.

Feeling a bit better but still overwhelmingly miserable, Elide decided to take a shower. She stepped under the hot water, hoping it would soothe the numbness in her bones. She reached for the soap and froze when she caught sight of Lorcan’s. Fingers trembling, she picked it up, took a deep breath, and used it. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears rolling down her cheeks. The smell was achingly familiar; he’d been using that soap for as long as she could remember. For a moment, she could pretend he was here with her. She recalled how he used to join her in the shower with a “To save water, love” and a teasing wink, and how many times they ended up wasting more water than they would have if he had just showered separately. What she wouldn’t give to have that now.

She stood there until the water ran cold and then collapsed into bed, the smell of Lorcan’s soap surrounding her as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

Day six. Elide’s routine of restless sleep and hardly eating was interrupted by a phone call. It was her mother.

“Elide. I haven’t heard from you.” She sounded worried. “Are you doing okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.”

“You’re going to have to at some point. It’s not good to keep it inside.”

Elide squeezed her eyes shut. “Mom, please,” she said hoarsely. “I can’t. Not yet.”

Her mother was quiet for a moment. “You know that you can call me whenever you need to.”

“I know.”

“Please take care of yourself.”

“I’m trying.” And she was, though it took more energy than she had.

“One day at a time, okay honey? You’re strong, but you don’t have to bear it alone.”

"I don’t feel strong.” Elide’s voice broke. “Half of me is gone.”

“I know, Elide. I know. But you have to keep going. Okay?”

“Okay,” Elide whispered.

“Please call me. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.” A tear slipped down her cheek. In her head, the word _mom_ was replaced with _Lorcan_. She hung up. “I love you,” she whispered again. But there was no one around to hear, least of all the person it was intended for.

* * *

 

A week had passed since Elide last saw Lorcan, and for that reason, the day felt particularly awful. Whatever forward progress she had made was gone, and she stayed in bed again all day. She didn’t eat. She slept in fits, maybe an hour at a time. She resigned herself to the permanence of her misery.

The lingering scent of him on his pillow had faded. Elide didn’t know if the traces of it she could detect were actually there or if it was just wishful thinking. Nevertheless, when the tears began to fall, she buried her face into it, wishing it was his shoulder. Of course, if it were, she’d have no reason to be crying in the first place.

She contemplated calling her mother for some comfort, but she didn’t feel up to talking. What she really wanted was to hear Lorcan’s voice. She supposed she could call his cell and listen to his voicemail, but she knew that once she did that, she’d never stop, and that definitely wasn’t healthy. She couldn’t let herself fall into that trap. And so, she continued to suffer in lonely silence.

* * *

 

On day eight, Elide realized that she never called in to take time off work. She felt slightly less miserable than she did yesterday. There was something oddly empowering about the knowledge that she’d made it through a week. She could keep going.

It took a great deal of mental effort to make the phone call and to hold it together for the duration of the conversation. She explained apologetically that she needed to take time off indefinitely. Her boss was nauseatingly sympathetic, telling Elide that of course she could take as long as she needed and that she could call if she needed anything else. Elide was grateful. Though she knew the paid leave couldn’t last forever, it helped ease the burden a bit. Until her boss decided she could no longer pay someone who wasn’t working, she could take time to heal.

_One day at a time,_ she reminded herself, and went to make herself some more soup.

* * *

 

On the twelfth day, Elide had a visitor. Manon, her best friend. When Elide opened the door, Manon marched in, arms full.

“You have been radio silent for almost two weeks, Elide Lochan. I know you’re grieving, but you can’t just disappear.”

“I’m sorry, Manon. I just haven’t been feeling up to interaction.”

“Well, I’m here now, and for your own good, I am forcing you to interact.”

Elide sighed.

Manon held up a grocery bag. “I brought chocolate ice cream.”

Elide mustered the closest thing to a smile she could manage. If anyone could make her feel a little better, it was Manon.

Manon had also retrieved Elide’s mail and made a lasagna. They ate together, Manon continually cracking jokes, and even though Elide couldn’t bring herself to laugh at them, she did smile, for real this time. But after the meal, the mood turned somber.

“I don’t know if I can go on without him,” Elide said softly.

Manon took her hand. “I know it’s hard, but you can’t give up.”

Elide closed her eyes. “I know.”

They moved to the couch, bringing along big bowls of ice cream. Conversation alternated between happy and sad, Elide’s mind always returning to Lorcan whenever Manon said something that reminded her of him. They talked long into the night. Elide was immensely grateful for her friend’s support. It was a necessary reminder that no matter how lonely she felt, she wasn’t truly alone.

* * *

 

The next day, Elide made a sandwich and ate it outside on the balcony. The sun and fresh air felt amazing on her vitamin D-deprived face. Her evening with Manon had given her a little life. Though she was still incredibly sad, she was beginning to pull herself out of it, however slowly.

She stayed out there for an hour or so, watching the people on the street below. Her heart ached every time a couple walked by, hand in hand. When she finally went back inside, she sifted through her mail. Nearly two weeks of it made for a hefty pile. It was mostly various bills, advertisements, and coupons, none of which she particularly cared about. It was last week’s newspaper, or rather, its front-page story, that made her stop in her tracks.

The picture was of three horribly totaled cars, the headline reading “Deadly drunk driving crash kills two.” Elide’s heart stopped. She’d recognize the gray car anywhere. The room was spinning. She dashed to the bathroom, barely making it before she was violently sick.

She had avoided media for as long as she could. She never wanted to see any of the pictures or any sort of reporting on it. Now, here it was in their—no, it was just hers now—apartment. She put her head down on the cool tile.

She was so angry. The drunk bastard that caused the crash had survived, like they always do. Instead of him, Lorcan and some poor mother of two had died. Elide knew the world was unfair, but this... this was so much worse than that.

She hoped that man paid dearly for what he’d done.

* * *

 

_Elide was in the passenger seat of Lorcan’s car, singing along happily to the song on the radio. She caught Lorcan looking at her, a big smile on his face._

_"Keep your eyes on the road,” she scolded._

_“I can’t help it,” Lorcan said. “You’re just so adorable.”_

_“Well, you can look at me all you want when we get home. But we have to get there safely first.”_

_Lorcan grinned devilishly. “Sweetheart, I plan to do a lot more than just look at you.”_

_Elide shook her head, smiling. Even after three years together, he still gave her butterflies. She opened her mouth to tease him back but instead sucked in a sharp breath instead when she saw the pickup coming straight at them, running the red light. “Lorcan!” she screamed as the truck slammed into them, glass shattering as they were pushed into the car in the lane next to them. She was thrown forward, the seatbelt digging into her neck. She looked to her left. Lorcan was limp, blood running from his temple, his eyes glazed and unseeing. Elide sobbed his name, reaching for him. Her whole body felt like it was on fire. “Lorcan, please, wake up!” she cried. She brushed her hand over his cheek, hot tears streaming down her face. He was gone._

Elide woke to find her tears were real and that she was still on the bathroom floor. It was dark. She must have fallen asleep. Her head was pounding. She felt absolutely awful. If she hadn’t been too tired to go with him to the grocery store, she would have been with him during the crash. Instead, he died alone.

_Oh, Lorcan. I’m so sorry._

* * *

 

On the fifteenth day was Lorcan’s funeral.

The last thing Elide wanted was to deal with a crowd of people whose sadness was little more than a farce. No, that wasn’t quite true. Yes, there would be plenty of attendees who only took the time to think about Lorcan because he was dead, but he had plenty of friends and family who cared about him, who were probably grieving as much as Elide was. She had to go, because they would be there.

She put on the plainest black dress she owned and brushed her hair, not bothering with any makeup; she’d cry it all off anyway. Manon picked her up, knowing Elide was in no shape to drive. The ride to the funeral home was quiet. Neither of them knew what to say, but that was fine with Elide. It took too much energy to talk and she needed to save it for the next few hours.

The funeral home was already busy when they arrived. Manon parked the car, but neither of them moved to get out. Elide’s eyes were filling up with tears.

“Are you okay?” Manon asked softly. Elide shook her head. Of course she wasn’t okay. Manon squeezed her hand.

The funeral was torture. Elide fought tears the whole time as strangers and acquaintances offered their condolences. Far too many of them hugged her, their attempts at comfort only making her feel worse. The only people she could stand to be around were Lorcan’s childhood friends, who had been named “The Cadre” in grade school, and Manon.

Elide sobbed as Lorcan’s casket was lowered into the ground at the cemetery. The sun was bright, the weather cruelly pleasant. It made Elide’s head pound.

The horrible feeling inside her was one she would never forget.

* * *

 

_The sun was low over the water as they walked on the beach, hand in hand. The sand was cool on Elide’s toes, the evening air still warm. She gazed up at the swirls of orange and pink in the sky above them._

_“It’s beautiful,” Lorcan said. “But what’s even more beautiful is the way the colors are cast on your face.”_

_She turned to look at him. He was watching her, a lifetime of love in his eyes and a smile on his lips that was indicative of true happiness. Her heart swelled. He was her everything._

_“Elide,” he said gently, stopping. He let go of her hand and reached into his pocket. Her heart skipped a beat._ Oh my God. _He knelt in front of her, pulling out a small velvet box. She covered her mouth with her hand. “You make me so incredibly happy and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I would be the luckiest man in the world to have you.”_

_“Lorcan,” she gasped as he opened the ring box. It was a gorgeous diamond ring, simple but beautiful, just as he knew she would like._

_He was grinning like a fool. “Elide Lochan, will you marry me?”_

_“Yes!” she cried, throwing her arms around him. She was also grinning like a fool, and crying a little bit, too. “Yes,” she whispered again, kissing him. He stood, picking her up and spinning her around, then kissed her deeply._

_“I love you so much,” he murmured._

_It was absolutely perfect._

Elide opened her eyes, her face wet with tears. She rolled over, sobbing into her pillow, wishing she would stop dreaming about him. They’d only been engaged for two months before she lost him.

Her beloved Lorcan.

* * *

 

Four days after the funeral, Elide picked up the maroon folder that was sitting on the coffee table. Against her better judgement, she opened it. It was the folder they’d been using to keep all of their wedding planning ideas together. She stared the first sheet of paper for a moment. It was a picture of the event space at a local historic garden. It was a beautiful venue for a wedding.

A beautiful venue for a wedding Elide would never have.

With a shaky breath, she closed the folder and replaced it on the table. She shouldn’t have opened it; it had done her no good. With a frustrated scream, she picked it up again and chucked it across the room. It hit the wall, papers flying everywhere. She choked out a sob and put her head in her hands, shaking.

Twenty days. It had been twenty days since the crash and it had been so hard to want to keep going. And she was expected to keep this up for the rest of her life? To move on and grow old _without him?_   How could she?

She knew Lorcan wouldn’t want her to give up. He had always told her he admired her strength. But without him around, she didn’t feel like she had much left.

* * *

 

Thirty days after the love of her life died, Elide Lochan returned to work. She woke up that morning feeling like she couldn’t take the wallowing anymore and needed to try to move forward.

Her coworkers were surprised to see her. It occurred to her that she probably should have called to let someone know she was coming, but it was too late now. They greeted her with sad smiles and the repeated phrase, “let me know if you need anything.” Elide thanked them, though they all knew she wouldn’t take them up on it.

They treated her like she was a porcelain doll and one wrong move could knock her off her shelf and she would shatter. Elide hated it, because they were probably right. Even in her office, reminders of Lorcan were everywhere. There were multiple pictures of the two of them on her desk, a sweet handwritten note from him pinned on the corkboard on the wall, and during her lunchbreak she couldn’t keep herself from remembering all the times he came to eat with her. The dull ache of missing him lingered in her chest, but she was used to it by now. She was just glad for something to distract her from thinking about him too much, even though it didn’t seem to be very effective. Still, it was a step in the right direction. She was still using the _one day at a time_ mantra to keep her going. Returning to a sense of normalcy would be good for her. But even as she reminded herself of this, a niggling voice in the back of her mind said, _it will never be normal without him._

* * *

 

Thirty-seven days. It was still so hard for Elide to get Lorcan out of her mind. Even as she became increasingly busier with work, he still lingered in her thoughts. Little reminders of him were everywhere; the blue pillow on the couch that he’d picked out, the sight of his coat hanging by the door, the pictures of them on the mantel. There wasn’t a single place in the apartment that didn’t have a piece of him. Elide wondered fleetingly if maybe she should move, but she didn’t really want to do that. She could get through this without any further upending of her life.

She fidgeted with her engagement ring constantly, twisting it on her finger. At some point she’d need to take it off, but she couldn’t bring herself to just yet. She was still in denial that it was over.

It had been a long day and Elide was exhausted. She figured a bath would make her feel better. She filled the tub with hot water and bubble bath and soaked until her fingers were pruny. As Elide was getting ready for bed, a realization struck her, causing all previous relaxation to dissipate.

She’d missed her period.

She tried not to panic, telling herself that it was the stress of the past month or the fact that her eating schedule was still all wrong. Still, she couldn’t shake the nagging worry.

* * *

 

The next morning, Elide skipped work and ran out to the nearest drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test. She paced anxiously, twisting her ring so forcefully her finger was red. She was drowning in anticipation, in fear, in nervousness, in excitement, in happiness, in grief, so wrapped up in the torrent of emotions that she nearly jumped out of her skin when the timer went off. With shaking hands, she picked it up, almost unwilling to look.

She squeezed her eyes shut, steadying herself for a moment, before she looked down at the indicator.

Positive.

She was pregnant.

With her dead fiancé’s baby.

Lorcan had always said he’d wanted kids, and she had been excited at the thought of starting a family with him. Now she would be raising their child on her own. Elide started to cry. She should be happy, and she was, but never had the realization that Lorcan was gone hit her harder than it had in this moment. She had no idea how she was going to do this by herself.

* * *

 

Elide didn’t sleep that night. She was agitated and wide awake, her devastation over her situation the only thing she could focus on. She was happy, of course she was, but she was also terrified and grieving. She had never imagined she’d be doing this without Lorcan.

The next day, she called in sick to work and called Manon, who rushed over with more ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. And cry they both did. When their tears were spent, they ate more ice cream than they should have and tried to make each other laugh. Elide was reminded that she wouldn’t truly be alone in this.

Manon rubbed Elide’s back as she called her mom. After a tearful breaking of the news to her parents, Elide felt much better. The baby may not have a father, but it would be surrounded by people who would love it just the same. She only wished Lorcan were here to see it.

* * *

 

As time passed, Elide’s grief lessened. She was still sad a lot of the time, but she was moving forward, looking to the future. It helped to have a tiny human growing inside her. While the effects of pregnancy tended to be miserable, there was one side effect that Elide was quite appreciative of: as a baby grew within her, so did hope. Hope that she will be truly happy again. Hope that one day, reminders of Lorcan wouldn’t make her cry; hope that instead she would look back on her memories of him fondly and wistfully without wishing she’d died, too. Hope that it would all be okay.

Though she was still uncertain about her ability to be a good single parent, she knew that she would love this baby unconditionally and would do everything she could to give it what it needed. She owed it to herself, to the child, and to Lorcan. She might not have her fiancé, but she had their baby, and that was enough.

* * *

 

On the fifty-eighth day after Lorcan’s death, Elide went to get her first ultrasound, bringing Manon along for moral support. She waited nervously for the doctor, worried for reasons she couldn’t even understand.

_What if something is wrong?_ a voice in the back of her mind nagged. She did her best to ignore it, but she was worried anyway. Elide didn’t think she could stand it if something happened with the baby, too. Manon squeezed Elide’s hand, sensing her agitation.

The doctor came in, wearing pink scrubs and a reassuring smile. Elide’s heart was a hammer in her chest. _It’s fine. It’s going to be fine,_ she told herself, taking a deep breath and plastering her best interpretation of a happy expression on her face. Elide missed the doctor’s introduction, too distracted by nerves to catch her name.

The doctor talked her through the process as she got started. Elide simply nodded in the proper places, only able to focus on how cold the gel was on her stomach. She struggled to keep her breathing even, terrified of what the probe might find.  Her breath stopped completely when she heard it: her baby’s heartbeat.

Elide started to cry.

* * *

 

Day one hundred and ninety-seven. Elide was still feeling the effects of Lorcan’s absence and increasingly feeling the effects of the pregnancy. Lorcan was ever-present in her mind, in her surroundings, in the baby growing in her stomach. She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to let go.

Still, she was doing much better. She was in a normal routine of life now, working full-time and taking care of herself. If not for the baby, she probably wouldn’t have pulled herself together so soon. She’d likely still be a malnourished couch potato, barely sleeping or going outside. A child gave her a newfound sense of purpose; she had to keep herself healthy so her baby would be too.

Elide had kept the gender a secret. She knew that’s what Lorcan would have wanted to do, thought she had to admit, the suspense was killing her. Despite all her sadness about him not being here, she really was thrilled that she was having Lorcan’s child. She’d always known she’d wanted to be a mother, though she’d never imagined herself as a single one. But she was lucky to have a support system there for her. She swore to work hard to make sure that her baby had a good life.

She hoped that wherever he was, Lorcan would be proud of her. Of _them._

* * *

 

On day two hundred and sixty-two, Elide’s water broke. Luckily, she was at Manon’s for dinner and had easy access to a ride to the hospital.

She’d spent the last couple of weeks on maternity leave, making sure everything was ready for the baby. She’d turned the guest room into a nursery and baby-proofed the apartment. She was ready, until it was actually happening, and then she wasn’t.

Through it all, she wished more than anything that Lorcan was there with her. When she had imagined this moment, it was with him. She prayed that everything would go well.

When it was over, Elide was flooded with emotion. She was a mother, and she had a beautiful little son. She had made this baby and she was going to raise him to be a wonderful person. Tears filled her eyes when they brought him to her to hold. _She was a mother._ Elide still couldn’t believe it. She cooed at him, his wrinkled and pink face the best thing she’d ever seen.

“What’s his name?” Manon asked, taking his tiny hand into her own.

A tear slipped down Elide’s cheek as she brushed her finger over his nose. She had known exactly the name for her little boy long before he was born. “Lorcan.” She smiled down at him. “Because he’s the love of my life.”


End file.
